The Fear of God by Showbread

Dear God, why should I think You’re good
in a world that’s falling apart?
The flags and lies, picket signs raised high,
the endless enveloping dark

Now here we sit, drifting further from You,
two thousand years on their way out
Now here I am, as I’ve grown to know You,
still haunted by my fears and my doubts

Just a man, just a vapor, just a waste of your space
All the good that I’ve done is in spite of myself
I’m not sure that I can look You in Your face
when I finally set foot in Your kingdom

Dear God, what went wrong?
We hate ourselves, we hate our brother
We so desperately want to find our way,
and all You say is “love one another”

And little babies starve to death,
emaciated, out of breath
Unfaithful wives make vows untrue,
husbands beat them black and blue

Junkies vomit in the streets,
writhing, twitching in their skin
Sell themselves to die some more,
rotting from the outside in

Parents steal the innocence
from their children, scared and shaking
Drink away the guilt at night,
brings quiet to the endless aching

And evil men boast on TV,
swimming in a sea of wealth
While misery beds honest men,
and lonely people kill themselves

And everyone cries out Your name,
as the world is raped by selfishness
And no one knows the way to heaven,
we only know the emptiness

And the storm it rages in my heart,
and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart,
I’ve no strength left to dry my tears

And through it all I hear Your voice,
breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul
as You whisper “peace, be still…”

You place Your hands around my heart,
You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant,
You set the captives free

You wait for me,
a wretch of a man,
no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn,
You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings

Though we ache, though we cry,
never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen

Calling

Let me escape for I don’t belong.

This wasn’t me and never was.

Too late for improvement, I’ll reestablish myself.

I’ll make the new beginning the best it can be.

Then maybe the change will be so vast

that it’ll overshadow the past.

All things can change.

We’ll make this happen, You and I.

This time I’ll let you take the lead and I’ll follow closely.

Teach me and I’ll listen with intent.

I’ll pass it on as best I can.

I’ll make it my own, using what I’ve learned along the way.

This path has left some scars, but they’ll speak loudly with humility.

We’ll break the mold and bring light to this world.

A glimpse of my thoughts, beliefs, and life

I know that the number of thoughts that go through my head in a day are definitely greater than the average man.  It may be a burden, but that’s my life. Sometimes, I’m not sure how I put up with it (probably because I have no other choice).  Right now there’s a many, many different thoughts whirling around in my head, some unrelated.  Some of these thoughts include: love, stress, God, human thought and reason, purpose, the future, change, life lessons, motives, goals etc.  Other thoughts, while I’m unhappy about them and try to suppress them, are negative: jealousy, insufficiency, failure, fear etc.  

With so many thoughts, I find it hard to focus on just a single one, meditate on it, and find a direction for a path in which to take regarding the thought.  Often, these thoughts conflict and it’s hard to know in which direction to take the first step.  Herein lies the problem.  If I don’t first look at my standards that I have set for myself and properly weigh the consequences according to these standards, I may not end up on the right path, which will in-turn ultimately lead me to an undesired destination.  These negative thoughts will never lead me in the right direction.  I must focus on the other thoughts.  Regardless of some of these other thoughts being struggles, the end result of focusing on these thoughts (with good intentions that follow my standards) will efface these negative thoughts from my mind.

Some of these thoughts are more beliefs than merely thought. This makes them perpetual. I constantly update these. I need to specifically define these and know them like the back of my hand, or else I might end up on the wrong path.

At the foundation of these beliefs is my faith in God and our covenant.  All other things rely on this one fundamental standard. Going hand-in-hand with this foundation is my purpose. Goals for all the things that I do and how I approach each thought rely on these things. Without them (losing faith and purpose), all thoughts collapse.

The goals that this fundamental stronghold presents are at the heart of my thoughts. Because the foundation is good, goals support it and are good as well. 

The goals in my life are accomplished by proceeding down paths. These paths determine my future, which hopefully holds the completion of my goals.

Because God IS love and God is my fundamental foundation, it is vital to treat the subject of love in the same manner: with the utmost veneration. This means that I must base my path regarding love carefully. Regarding love, acting in a manner that is not honorable is disgraceful. It is extremely important to not act rashly. Doing so could crush my mentality.

1 Corinthians 13 cannot be overused, over-read, undermined, or disregarded. Those words speak Truth. If I don’t live by that definition of love, I have fundamentally failed. 

When I speak of my emotions and feelings, know where my definition of love comes from. Know that all my goals come from my fundamental foundation and so do my feelings. Know that I do not act rashly. Know that I treat the subject with the utmost veneration. Meaning, I respect who those feelings are for, those feelings are dignified, and that those feelings are acted on with admirable intent and direction, given that they are based off of my fundamental foundation.

Because of all of this, if I truly base these things off of my fundamental foundation, the paths that I take can only result in a desired destination.

“Out of sight, out of mind” only works for toddlers

Rebirth

Continually looking in all the wrong places,

you’ll never find what you’re looking for.

Frustrated and alone,

you search in vain.

You’re in the most desolate of places.

We’re all blind in the darkness.

The blinding light is at your back 

and all I see is your silhouette.

Come, I’ll lead you by the hand.

Your eyes will adjust.

Don’t look back and revisit the wreckage.

It’s time to rebuild.

Start with the foundation,

less you’ll be crushed in the collapse.

So,

I definitely need to start posting the things that I write down.